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It’s been a while since I’ve had one like her. She was an open book. She told me things I didn’t plan to ask her. When we would change positions, she arched and bent before being provoked. She had done this before, many times, and was proud of all she knew. I thought about keeping her for a moment. We shared a glance in the mirror across the room and I could tell she entertained the idea, as well. But they’re all the same. They all smell like the same drugstore shampoos and shop in the same stores. They all cling, like dry fabric to wet skin. They all cry and grow needy. No use in letting it get to that.

I swam in shallow water
and held my breath.
I tried to drown in there
but we dried up
quickly.

I wonder if she’ll notice my handprints on the mirror one day while snapping out of a daydream? Will she try to smear my reflection or indulge my memory? I was only there in passing. For a few moments. Like seeing an old friend on an elevator. We caught up. My scent and conversation lingered. And maybe even some strands of my hair. But ultimately, I never happened.

Snappin’.

One day none of my bones crack, except the ones in my chest. I feel your silence in my stomach. There won’t be a reply. There’s nothing left to say because there never was to begin with. Some doors are better left unopened. I wish you lied. I wish you said nobody was home.

I tried, for years, to shake you off. Woke up daily with the taste of your name in my mouth. Sang songs for you in my head, off-key. I made this an entire city full of places where I avoid you. Promised my heart I would keep it suspended in mid-air forever. Told my body it would feel again.

I fought your little sparks with brush fires, and perhaps it wasn’t fair. Maybe I should have figured out how badly I, myself, had been burned before I made ashes of you and your belongings.

Forgive me.

I thought that when things died we were allowed cremate them. Even if they died by flame, we could burn them again.

So I lit you up, once more.

feels like i don’t need anyone
when the sun’s shining.
pleasantly blinded.
get lost in ruby hues.
in warmth.
get wet and float
on a cloud for a while.
i could forget all
my trials
and lay here
for a while.

feels.

we were:
too many nights out
sticky palms cupped together
long, aimless walks
dessert first
little and big spoon
drunk on kissing
short of breath
shared everything
hopeful

we are:
strong as we think
regretful silence
nervous laughter
tear-filled baths
more good than bad
hopeful

saucy