Even at my worst, I’m settling.
Went from walking on eggshells to walking on land mines.
Unexpected heart to hearts rival many things. No matter what emotions surface I never regret learning something new about myself, a friend, or the world through casual conversation.
I think more about improving than I actually do and perhaps it’s because I give more though to what’s holding me back than why something can.
The way I was nurtured or the lack of nurturing in some respects is constantly a cause for drama in my present life. I find myself repeating many of my parents’ mistakes. I have many of their most undesirable traits, as though I went around absorbing all the bad they had inside. Though I know I have much of the good as well it is, as usual, easier to see the negative.
When we think of our upbringing and its effects on our adult lives it is so easy to feel like there’s a cut off point for repair. Our childhoods are implied to be definitive of who we are. They say you can tell much of what you will ever know about a person when they are five years old or by that age. And with this comes the illusion of deadlines. We’re not children anymore so everything we do now is who we are. We need to be doing something…
If I really allow myself to believe that I am still a child and I am still learning, in the same way that I applied this belief to my parents in order to forgive them for any faults throughout my life, I think that I can free myself of this ticking clock in my ear. Old habits die so hard but I’m trying to re-raise myself basically.
Nicks, cuts, razor burns. I’ve acquired so many scars and blemishes while trying to be beautiful.